If you have not yet made a New Year’s Resolution, may I suggest this: Prepare for your death.
More specifically prepare a will, or a trust, and a health care directive, and ensure that someone has access to them.
Many of us neglect to provide instructions for those we leave behind as if we will live forever. But unless climate change makes the Earth uninhabitable, or world leaders allow a nuclear war to obliterate us all in one fell swoop, death will come for each of us one by one, leaving survivors.
Getting a call from my cousin Emile’s wife last month reminded me of the mess we can leave behind by failing to think of end-of-life issues while we can.
Emile’s wife, Eileen, had first called me almost a decade earlier, on New Year’s Eve 2014, advising that Emile had decided unexpectedly that he wanted to live alone and had moved out. Blindsided, Eileen kept repeating that she had no indication there was a problem in their marriage. I’d never actually spoken to Eileen before that, so I didn’t know what to say.
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She gave me Emile’s new address and phone number. Later, when I called him, he said that nothing specific had happened, he simply preferred to be alone. Nevertheless, I sympathized with his wife, but I had only family lore to tell me about my cousin’s challenging past.
Because there were no hospitals in Paris, Tennessee, in 1944 that would perform a cesarean section on a Black woman, Emile’s father, George, arranged for his wife to stay with a family in Memphis where she could be treated. Her family, however, convinced her that she shouldn’t be with strangers when she delivered Emile, so she stayed in Paris and died giving birth. When George returned from the war, he blamed his son for her death. He left Emile with his parents, ghosting the entire family for almost 50 years.
Emile took his first wife Lola to Buffalo, New York, on her 21st birthday to meet his aunt — and allowed her to drive. As a California girl, his wife had never driven on snow or ice. She crashed the car and died, leaving Emile in a coma for weeks.
After he recovered, he enlisted in the Army but was discharged early when his grandmother became ill. His second wife divorced him and restricted his access to their two children, leaving them estranged. Eileen was his third wife.
Most humans can tolerate being alone, but we are generally pack animals. There are some individuals though, like my cousin, who choose solitude. Because he did, his now-ex-wife Eileen was left with a dilemma of how to help him before he died and, shortly thereafter, of how to handle his remains.
The hospital found her name in his wallet when he was admitted, but as an ex-wife, she was not his next of kin. She called me last month as the only blood relative she knew, hoping that I might have his children’s addresses. Since I’d had only limited contact with him, I was useless.
His death left us in a conundrum. Did he want to be buried in a veteran’s cemetery, or next to his aunt in Sacramento? Had he bought a plot for himself beside hers? Did he have life insurance or a will?
Until someone is authorized by the California courts to go into his apartment, these questions remain unanswered. Eileen assumed the costs of cremating him. Where he’ll eventually be buried is still unclear.
Because so many members of our family have survived well into their 90s or even into their 100s, Emile expected to live much longer. Citing our longevity, he even hesitated filing for Social Security at 62, despite being retired. Cancer denied his expectations.
This is why it is wise to consider drafting a will and/or trust and to have a health care directive.
Decide who you’d want to be your children’s guardians if they become orphans. Upon your death, who would you choose to care for your pets? Did you dedicate funds for that?
If you already have any of these documents, review them to ensure that the beneficiaries are up to date. Don’t leave an ex-wife/husband as a beneficiary if there is a new spouse or kids or they could end up penniless.
Eliminating stress for your loved ones is the best New Year’s resolution ever.
